Dear Doctor It May Concern,
My friend is a feminist through-and-through, with bombs strapped
to her undergarments and everything! Don’t you worry about that.
However, this friend, originally from Khjkrkhdistan, has a live-in pet. This same iguana requires an operation because he wants to become an air stewardess.
I’ve told my Mohammedan friend that the gender reassignment operation is available under the wonderful but secular NHS. My friend – from what I can tell through her veil – is incredulous. She doesn’t realise that she gets it all for free! But thanks to the Open Doors policy of European Union membership, my friend got into England under the grandmother rule. Her grandmother was killed by a Lee Enfield rifle!
The iguana also requires leg-lengthening procedures so that he meets the height requirements for air travel – lizards like Mr Humperdink can’t wear heels, and I’ve been told that air hostesses cannot either due to cabin pressure and force of heels on the aircraft floor!
I know I can just throw the lizard into any doctor’s waiting room from Land’s End to John O’Groats, as well as a few of the less conservative medical institutions in Northern Ireland, and he’ll be seen to.
But are there specialist clinics where he’ll be operated on immediately, or does he need to be referred?